Sober Alcoholics

Sober Alcoholics: I’m scared of my brain

So far I have failed, but I haven’t failed myself. That’s because I still believe I can do better. I’m still learning from my mistakes. Anyone can judge me for my short falls, I don’t mind because they’re never in my shoes no matter how close they are to me.

That mindset has kept me going so far. But the mistakes are piling up. Even the ones I’d forgotten are catching up with me. A ton of bricks are falling on top of me and I still feel there’s more coming. How do I keep calm in a sudden daily storm? The brutal weather is creating cracks on my tough wall. I can feel it collapse very soon, this weather needs to pass.

I’ve never had to deal with myself. Now that I’m waiting for the storm to pass I’m all I have. Questioning every decision I made and how it lead to where I am now. I never blamed anyone before I don’t want to start now. But I’m looking at the burden and thinking if I can carry it alone. But also I don’t know who to trust enough to let myself naked in their presence.

So I end up pleading with my head. Don’t give up on me now. If I slip now, I might never get up again. If I slip, those who care might try to save me but it’ll be too late. I know I’m tough to crack, so I’m scared I might be tougher to mend. That’s why I always have to keep myself in check first. And then I can ask for help before I lose myself.

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